Marriage Matters Part 3: Building with the Bricks of our Actions

 This is the third and last part of a Marriage Talk I wrote recently.  We have been talking here on the blog about how to build a marriage with God's help that is life giving and flourishing and changes the world one home at a time.  Remember we talked about how we need to spend time with Him in order to change our heart and our mind.   This is where we make our bricks that build a life giving marriage.Then we talked about the types of bricks we form.  Bricks of Words and Bricks of Action.  In Part Two, I shared about   The Bricks of Our Words and how we use Our Words to build Our house.Today we will talk about how we use the Bricks of Our Actions to be wise women who build our marriages.  Remember,

A wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tear it down with her own hands.Proverbs 14:1

The bricks of Our ACTIONS are forged in the time we spend with Him.When we spend time with Him, He changes us, which changes our actions.  One action brick we have to build strong houses is to:Cultivate good girl friendsYour gal pals help you in your race; you need gal pals that are running with you and a little ahead of you.  Your husband can't take the place of these people in your life.  Much money has been saved around  Sursee Gal's  table through the counsel of good friends.And let's not dog our husband when we get together.  Let's  make a pact to speak kindly and respectfully about him.  I had a friend a long time ago who challenged me in this area and I thought, Ewww, I am not sure I like that.  But, this challenge has been so life-giving.  So be brave, and make the cuts if you need to with gals who are not running the race you are.Dare to NOT CompareKeep your eyes on what God has given you and stop looking around. This is where you might need to get off social media.  Sometime our scrolling leads to comparison and discontentment in our marriages.  Maybe it is time to set limits for how long we scroll when we start down the road of compare and despair.Greet him when he comes home or when you come homeI call this SMOOCHY FACE time.  When he comes home, go find him and give him a big hug and smooch.  Don't be yelling from the back of the house.  Same thing when you come in- go find him and greet him with physical touch.  Brick by brick you are building your home and this is part of that work.  Remember too, that you come before the kids.  Teach them by your actions that you come first.Let him lead.Let him Be the Husband God created him to be.  Let him be the Dad God created him to be.  Just let him be --let him dad in his way.  Remember He is the best dad for your kids.  God picked him out.LISTEN and be PresentHe wants you to listen, to really listen.  To sit down and give him your attention. He needs that time and so do you.  It is a practice.  Your presence is really the best gift you can give to him.Pray for HimWe pray for our husbands, and we let God change him.  We do this by trusting the Holy Spirit working in him. And we, Pray and Don't Say.  Hold those words in and pray.  I know it is hard- we think we know what he should do and how and when.  My challenge is that you learn to pray first and then say something.Be his Help MateIn Genesis 2:18 we see the word for help mate:then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for himAccording  to Vickie Kraft in her book, The Influential Woman, "the word helper means that  woman’s nature, her disposition, and her abilities supply what is lacking in man, and vice versa. They had to be different but equal to complete each other."The word Ezer in Hebrew is the word for  Helper/ Help Mate. It is used nineteen times in the Old Testament.  Four times it references a man helping a man.  Fifteen times it refers to God helping man.  Helper is never used of an inferior helping a superior."In short, a helper is one assists another in reaching complete fulfillment," says Kraft.What does that look like for you to be your husband's help mate?One way is when you clear the schedule for your family.  Sometimes we have to look ahead and knock some things out. We make sure that our family has breathing room.We also are available.  Remember, he wants you, your focus.One example of being a helper is  when I make  lunches for Craig.  He asked me would I do that so he could eat more healthily, and I did. It was kind of a hassle, getting all that stuff out and making sure there were healthy choices, but I saw this as a way to help Craig.Another friend told me about scheduling a weekly meeting with her husband so they could work on budget, plan a date night and check schedules together. This was a way to be a help mate.Let's find ways to be our husband's helper.  It is a great brick to use to build your marriage.FORGIVE HIMThis act takes bricks away that have built a wall between you and your husband. I have a friend who I have been encouraging to forgive her husband and start over with a fresh slate.  When she finally did,  she told me  it has been revolutionary in their marriage.  There is such freedom for us when we forgive.The bricks came tumbling down and now she recognizes when she is building a wall between her heart and his and tears that wall down.So what if you are BUILDING A WALL between you and your husband?We CONFESS and Ask for FORGIVENESS.This simple act will do much in your marriage.Our last action brick we have to build a life-giving marriage is ourSex LifeFirst off gals, sex is not a weapon.  Now there are times when we abstain, and we do that mutually.  We agree on this time.But we don’t hold back to punish our husbands or to get our way.Look with me at I Corinthians 7:3-5: The husband must fulfill his duty to his wife, and likewise also the wife to her husband.  The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.  Stop depriving one another, except by agreement for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer, and come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.We can abstain for a time, but we do this mutually.Sex is Seasonal-Y'all our sex life is seasonal- there are times of plenty and times of want.  I had a friend once with a new baby and she asked me about her sex life.  It just wasn't happening.  So I asked a few questions and learned that the baby monitor was right there on her bedside table, and it was broadcasting loud and clear every snuffle or move her baby made.  Now the baby was in the room next door so I encouraged her when she ws being intimate to turn that puppy off!  She would hear her baby if she needed her.It was revolutionary for her.  She reported back to me that she  tried this and it helped her so much.  Her husband is now my best friend.Sex is for him and for you!Y'all sex makes you feel close to him.  You know that wonderful day after connection feeling you get when you come in for breakfast and you are all warm and cozy toward him and he toward you.  You think, Wow, that is my man, when you put your toast in the toaster or stir your oatmeal.  This is your little secret with him and you two need that reminder.  It builds your relationship and love for one another.Date nights are importantDate nights are where you do the work on your relationship.  It helped me to want to have sex.  I got to be me -  dress up-   and wear something clean and feel Hot-cha-cha!We tried to not talk about the kids or if there was some issue we would try to limit it.  We are more interesting than our children.  Work on that.  Talk and continue to grow in your relationship.  Brick by brick, we are building a marriage that lasts.  A lot of the times we traded date nights with another family.  Perfect!On a SIDE NOTE, this is another way to be his helper.  You make the plans,  be his helper.  Let's not be afraid that we will always have to do that.  The point is to have a date night.Practical BricksLet's get  ready early in the day. Think about it and talk about it with your husband. Let's get ready in our head.Let's schedule our sex life. It is one of the only things  in our life that we don’t schedule.  But it could be the most important thing to schedule!Let's buy nighties and be done getting into bed in your old sweatshirt from college all the time.Let's get a lock on our bedroom door.  It helps, just saying.Let's ask God to help us.  Remember, He designed sex.  Ask him to help you:Be boldBe creativeHave desire.I also encourage you to be patient with yourself.  Remember the word--SEASONAL-Sometimes we are really tired or we are leaking milk or it is painful.  Be gracious to yourself.And don't be afraid to get help from a doctor.This is a great area to talk about with a mentor or a trusted friend.  Get help if you need it.Sheet Music by Kevin Lehman is a great resource.  Passion Pursuit; What Kind of Love Are You Making? by Linda Dillow and Juli Slatterly is also an excellent study that  has a video and book that you can do with other Smoking Hot Mamas. ( her words to describe us)We want to build our house, not tear it down with our own hands.Let’s use our time with Him to make bricks.Let’s use our Words and Actions to build, with God’s help, marriages that are flourishing and  life giving.  Marriages that make a difference.Marriages that are a gift to the world.

Your strong, beautiful marriage is the best gift you can give your kids.  Hands down.

Remember we GET HELP WHEN we NEED IT.We get help from a trusted friend.  A counselor.  In recovery.  With a mentor.We do have an enemy who is described as a roaring lion seeking to steal, kill and destroy your marriage.I know for me that fear is a driver, something the enemy uses against me.So I have learned to ask the question,  What am I afraid of?  I ask God to show me and help me with those fears.Our God is for you.  He is so for you that He sent His son to free you from your sin, fear, guilt and shame.You are free!I love this passage:The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me,Because He anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor.He has sent Me to proclaim release to the captives,And recovery of sight to the blind,To set free those who are oppressed.Luke 4:18We are FREE ladies!Our God is faithful  to take us here, where we are,  right here and now, wherever our marriage is, and give us the bricks we need to build beautiful marriages that are flourishing and life giving.  Marriages that make a difference and are a gift to the world.With God’s help we can build our house with our words and our actions when we spend time sitting at His feet, focusing on our good and loving Father.Let’s go build!xoxo